Songtext You'll only end up joining them Kevin Devine

You'll only end up joining them

tonight i'm posed and popping like a peacock.
i'm pressing flesh.
i'm smiling big.
my spinning head sings "stop, just stop." 'cause what used to calm me down just rips my life to ribbons now.
so i keep smiling.
i find my window and quick cut out.
these days my hangman's hunger makes my gut kick.
my sleeping mind could map it blind: a flask, a key, a bag, a fifth.
i try to will myself away while shouting habits plead their case.
so when the sun seers through my eyes, a beggar's brain can't compromise.
i splash cold water.
i draw the curtains.
i stay inside.
and i can't say that it's a sickness, more like a stranger i ask in and later realize it was a strangler slipping nooses in my den.
but i was lonely, so i asked him, "could you tie that one on me?" it wasn't his fault.
i was eager and i was weak.

so as i inched towards resolution, yeah, i'm not sure which life feels right.
no narrow noose or the wading water will hang in hex or open eyes.
i know my brother, he went one way and at the fork i heard him say, "don't you follow.
don't go making my mistakes." and i realized what he meant: don't kill yourself to raise the dead.
it never works.
you'll only end up joining them.
it never works.
you'll only end up joining them.