Songtext The wet t-shirt contest Frank Zappa

The wet t-shirt contest

IKE:LOOKS TO ME LIKE SOMETHING FUNNYIS GOING ON AROUND HEREPEOPLE LAUGHIN' 'N' DANCIN' 'N' PAYIN'ENTIRELY TOO MUCH FOR THEIR BEERAND THEY ALL THINK THEY ARECLEAN OUTA-SITEAND THEY'RE READY TO PARTY'CAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE SAYS IT'SWET T-SHIRT NITE'N' THEY ALL CRAVE SOMEHOT DELIGHTWELL THE GIRLS ARE EXCITEDBECAUSE IN A MINUTETHEY'RE GONNA GET WET'N' THE BOYS ARE DELIGHTEDBECAUSE ALL THE TITTIESWILL GET 'EM UPSET'N' THEY ALL THINK THEY AREREETY-AWRIGHT'N' THEY'RE READY TO BOOGIE'CAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE SAYS IT'SWET T-SHIRT NITE'N' THEY ALL CRAVE SOMEPINK DELIGHTWHEN THE WATER GETS ON 'EMTHEIR NINNIES GET RIGID'N' LOOK PRETTY BOLDIT'S A COMMON REACTIONTHAT MAKES AN ATTRACTIONWHENEVER IT'S COLD'N' ALL OF THE FELLASTHEY WISH THEY COULD BITEON THE CUTE LITTLE NUGGETSTHE LOCAL GIRLS ARE SHOWIN' OFF TONITEYOU KNOW I THINK IT SERVES 'EM RIGHTYOU KNOW I THINK IT SERVES 'EM RIGHTYOU KNOW I THINK IT SERVES 'EM RIGHTYOU KNOW I THINK IT SERVES 'EM RIGHTAND IT'SWET T-SHIRT TIME AGAINI KNOW YOU WANT SOMEONE TO SHOW YOU SOME TIT!BIG ONES!WET ONES!BIG WET ONES!BUDDY JONES:AH, THANKS, IKE...YES, IT'S WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAINHERE AT THE BRASSERIE...HOME OF THE TITS...
HUH HUH...AND IT'S THE CHARMING MARY FROM CANOGA PARKUP NEXT IN HER BID FOR THE SEMI-FINALS...HI, MARY...
HOWYA DOIN'?MARY:HI!BUDDY JONES:WHERE YA FROM?MARY:AH, THE BUS...BUDDY JONES:WHICH ONE?MARY:YOU KNOW...
THE LAST TOUR...YOU KNOW...
LEATHERBUDDY JONES:OH...
YOU WERE THE GIRL STUCK TO SEAT 38 ON PHYDEAUX III...
WHY DON'T YOU GET IN POSITION NOW AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH, BECAUSE THIS WATER IS VERY, VERY COLD, BUT IT'S GOIN' TO BE SO STIMULATING.
AND MARY'S THE KIND OF RED-BLOODED AMERICAN GIRL WHO'LL DO ANYTHING...MARY:ANYTHING...BUDDY JONES:I SAID ANYTHING...
FOR FIFTY BUCKSTHAT'S RIGHT!MARY:I REALLY NEED THE FIFTY BUCKS YOU KNOWI GOTTA GET HOME!BUDDY JONES:YEH, I KNOW, YOUR FATHER IS WAITING FOR YOU IN THE TOOL SHED...
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HEARD RIGHT...
OUR BIG PRIZE TONITE IS FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLARS TO THE GIRL WITH THE MOST EXCITING MAMMALIAN PROTRUBERANCES...MARY:HERE I AM!BUDDY JONES:...AS VIEWED THROUGH A THOROUGHLY SOAKED, STUPID-LOOKING WHITE SORT OF MALE PERSON'S CONSERVATIVE KIND OF MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD COTTON UNDERGARMENT! WHOOPEE! AND HERE COMES THE WATER!MARY:EEEK!BUDDY JONES:NO, YOU'D SQUEAK MORE IF THE WATER GOT ON YOU...
SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST GOT AN ICE PICK IN THE FOREHEAD...
AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE FOREHEAD ...
A MILLION LAUGHS, MARY! ANYWAY: GOOD GOLLY, WHAT A MESS...
SHE'S TOTALLY SOAKED...
TOTALLY COMMITTED TO THE FIFTY BUCKS...
THAT'S IT, JUST STEP INTO THE SPOTLIGHT...
LET THE GUYS GET A GOOD LOOK AT YA, HONEY!MARY:HERE I AM!BUDDY JONES:WHADDYA SAY, FELLAS? NICE SETTA JUGS? NOW MARY, HOW'S ABOUT SHAKIN' IT AROUND A LITTLE...OH MY GOODNESS, LOOK AT HER GO!MARY:OOOH! I'M DANCING!BUDDY JONES:AIN'T THIS WHAT LIVING IS REALLY ALL ABOUT! HERE'S YOUR FIFTY BUCKS, MARY...MARY:OH GREAT! NOW I CAN GO HOME!BUDDY JONES:HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS.MARY:ON THE BUS.